Sunny Side of Sexpectations

2010-06-25T08:25:26Z

In honor of Scarlett Johansson and Sandra Bullock locking lips during the recent MTV Movie Awards, let's call it quits. Straight women should no longer, for the sole purpose of getting a reaction, kiss in public. Female tonsil hockey is devoid of all meaningful impact now; it's become merely a mild taboo.

So I call "time-out" on hot, hetero-girl kissing in front of men. Gay women kissing one another out of lust or intimacy is not what I'm talking about. I'm addressing hetro-sexual women acting like they have the freemium model for the male fantasy.

"Hey guys! No need to waste your dollar bills at the strip club. We straight ladies looooooove getting sloppy over too many hard lemonades and French-kissing our best-girlfriends. Heck. We'd do it even if you weren't around!"

Sorry guys, but it's balderdash. It's just a tease.

I say we women curb this dishonest behavior. Ever since Madonna tried to pass the pop diva torch to Britney via mouth-to-mouth, during the MTV Video Music Awards in 2003, the straight girl, hot kiss manuever has been over utilized. It's become tiresome. Ladies, don't tell me you weren't rolling your eyes when you saw the photo of those A-listers, Johansson and Bullock smooching. It was pure manipulation.

Free access to Internet porn has enabled this particular wet-dream to go mainstream. If we do not take a stand now, the "sexpectations" on women will only grow.

Think back to the early 90's when the "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs were fresh. Back then, girls being "wild" meant they were in bikinis leaping up and down, screeching and flashing their tops. Spring Breaking babes chugged Jungle Juice and jiggled their bits but didn't do kissy face --at least not in the TV ads I saw.

Ah yes, t'was a simpler time. Afternoon talk shows like "Sally Jesse Raphael," "Jenny Jones" and "Oprah" talked about "lipstick lesbians" (as opposed to "John Goodman lesbians" I guess). Lipstick Lesbians were treated less like sex objects and more like Ripley's Believe It or Not oddities. They aimed to shock viewers by displaying some kind of third sex --what we might today term a "Portia de Rossi style" lesbian.

These Black Widow, "Chasing Amy" type of women were supposed provoke us. The central point being "Get a load of THIS? Women with traditional good looks who exhibit a bizarre lack of interest in getting attention from dudes."

Wow-wee! Real women who shave their legs, strap themselves into under wire bras and aren't seeking a male meal ticket. We were to be left scratching our heads pondering, "why should a woman look sexy if she's not interested in getting a free dinner and a Duran Duran concert date-night from her boyfriend?" I mean, why bother with make-up? Just get a Subaru and a dog and call it a day. Right?

Fast-forward to today and now being a gay or bi-sexual woman can conveniently be misunderstood as shorthand for "hot girl-on-girl action." A woman alluding to her possible gay tendencies is the modern equivalent of women crying their way out of traffic tickets; it's just something we can do to get our way. This in turn fans the flame of male resentment of women.

Hetero-girl kisses are to straight men as the "Twilight" saga is to the straight women. Two lovely ladies engaged in a kiss is deeply satisfying for men. It's their smoldering hot, secret vampire flooring the gas pedal of the latest model Volvo to save Bella's life from an attack by a slightly less attractive secret vampire.

OK, I haven't actually seen any of the "Twilight" movies. I just read the first book. I was embarrassed to read it but, I confess, that shit is good. Good not from the stand point of a literary critic but in that "Twilight" hits my hetero-sexual female needs for intense connection and security --kinda like what Fay Wray got from Peter Jackson's King Kong character.

Teen and tween girls screech, shake and even cry over Robert Pattinson. If they see so much as a flash of the hunky "Twilight" star going from a building to a waiting car, they lose themselves. Men have a similar, non-verbal reaction, to the mere thought of women sharing a locker room or a slice of cake together.

A woman can proclaim herself to be "bisexual" and have momentary control over a straight man. Men go directly to the visuals. You say "bisexual" they see two female porn stars working overtime. The mere thought is so pleasing that they're willing to overlook the cold manipulation. In fact, I bet a photo of two good looking girls kissing could effectively replace the Taser on hetro-male criminals.

What's the Sunny Side of this carnal con-job? That both sexes still need each other. Women should be more open about their needs because men are happy to oblige.

I prefer the Li'l Kim "How Many Licks?" school of feminism. Seek out male attention. Flaunt yourself. Look good. But have standards. Don't just tease. Enjoy yourself and let men come along for the ride. Remember, to give is to receive. Life should be "like it's rehearsal for a Tootsie commercial."

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Sunny Side of Sexpectations